America's Joy Magnet - Shari Alyse

 
 

Podcast Summary 

This is episode number 72 with Shari Alyse, America's Joy Magnet. What a title. In this episode you are going to learn what joy truly is according to a joy expert. You are also going to learn how to be vulnerable and share your journey to support your employees and associates who are really self-critical and hard on themselves, and maybe you're too hard on yourself also, and you're also going to learn proven micro tools to increase your joy throughout the day, even on Monday morning.  

Shari has a amazing background and is the founder and creator of the Wellness Universe, where she did incredible retreats for over six years. She was the co-host and executive producer of the Heart to Heart Talk show, she's a two times TEDx and inspirational speaker, as well as a TV host and best selling author. And she also helps other people who have incredible messages get on TV and spread their message. I am super excited for you to meet and connect with Shari. Get out your notepad, you're gonna wanna use some of these tips to boost your joy. 

 

Contact Information for Shari Alyse: 

 

Podcast Summary 

Tia Graham: Welcome, Shari.  

Shari Alyse: Thank you so much, Tia, for having me here today. I'm excited to spend time with you.  

Tia Graham: Me too, me too. I'm super, super excited. You are many things, a beautiful soul along with many things, and one is America's Joy expert, which is pretty awesome. People like my Chief Happiness Officer title, America's Joy Expert is pretty fantastic. Can you start off by sharing what joy is to you? 

Shari Alyse: Sure. So it's interesting, being known as America's Joy Magnet is something that is a blessing. And then at the same time, I'm like, no pressure there. But for me, uh, when I explain and express joy, for me it is the full expression of ourselves. 

And what I mean by that is people sometimes look at joy as, you know, the sunshine and the sunflowers and the, and the moments of joy, which they absolutely are. But it's also that full connection to ourselves and that allows us to fully express ourselves. And when I feel that, and I feel that when we are in full expression of ourselves, we are truly connected to joy. 

Tia Graham: Beautiful. And how come joy matters so much to you?  

Shari Alyse: It's an interesting journey and I'm gonna try to streamline the journey for you. Joy is a big part of my life because for so long I was disconnected from it. As a young child, I experienced trauma, sexual abuse, and at the young age of seven years old I got on a witness stand to speak out against my abuser.  

Tia Graham: Oh my goodness.  

Shari Alyse: Yeah, and I didn't know it at the time, but what I learned that day was that my voice helped people. And it also hurt people. They had found out that he had done this to other girls, so they were able to stop that. And so I was deemed as a hero. 

Um, of course, as a young child I did not feel that.  

Tia Graham: Right. Of course. Not that you wanted that.  

Shari Alyse: Yeah. Right. And then I found out that sharing your truth also hurt people because he was then imprisoned from there. So I grew up with this struggle and challenge of showing up in the world. Wanting to please people, not hurt people, be kind, be brave. You know, don't talk to me. It was this whole internal challenge and struggle. And so within that, I lost who I was because I was showing up for the world, showing up as I thought everybody else wanted me to be, but at the same time, I heard throughout my life like, you're so happy, you're always so happy. 

And when I really looked within. And really looked at my circumstances in my life. It didn't feel that way on the exterior and on the surface it was,  

Tia Graham: But it wasn’t authentic inside.  

Shari Alyse: Yeah. And, and I looked at stuff Tia and I was like, well, if you were really happy, would you be in these toxic relationships? 

If you were really happy, would you be in a body that was unhealthy if you were right? So there was all of that. Um, and I've come to find out over the years that the disconnection from self is really what was keeping me from feeling connected to my joy. And so once I was able to find that connection, I just wanted to share with everyone and I wanted to share the journey to that.  

Tia Graham: The journey to that, to connection self connection to self then and self-love so that you can fully express yourself. And then, And then and connect with Joy. Oh. Such a powerful story on that. Um, I, this summer, read the book, the Body Keeps the Score. 

Which transformed my life. Of course. It's all about trauma and yeah. The world need, we need, we need to be talking about this so much more. And I know people like Gabor Maté are bringing it, but it needs to be more and more and more faster, you know, to really, help all the heals. 

So, so thank you so much for, for sharing that.  

Shari Alyse: Absolutely.  

Tia Graham: How come now? You just shared a very personal story that explains it very well, why you would feel disconnected and why you wouldn't have self-love and why there'd be internal confusion and inauthenticity, you know, of course, self-love. Being a friend to yourself, self-compassion is really, really challenging for many, many people. 

And I would love to hear from you, what do you think are the biggest obstacles to self-love? Self-compassion.

Shari Alyse: Number one is fear. People are afraid. I have found in my work and in, you know, and talking to people and meeting people along the way is this idea that in order to love ourselves, we have to be able to face the pain. 

We have to be able to face the trauma. We have to be able to sit long enough with ourselves and sit with the stuff that we usually run from and The only way to, I believe, to get through to the side of self-love is to be able to lean in and not away from. And so who wants to sit there? Right? Like who wants to be like, especially if you feel like, oh, I'm doing just fine. 

And even though like for so long how I was, I was like, I've got this part of my career going and I've got that and I've got the man. But when I really sat with it, like I said, and I had the awareness, I was like, ah, you're not really happy, but. Yeah. I think that's what holds most people back from even just taking that self, that first step is that awareness of where, where it is that we are, what it is that we're feeling. And then it's like, whoa, that's a big journey to have to walk through.  

Tia Graham: Right, right. So many people listening are leaders of other humans. So what advice would you have to a leader who has someone or many people on their team that are, that are self-critical, that are really, really hard on themselves? 

What advice would you have? Because you can't necessarily say, okay, you need to go look at your childhood trauma. I mean, maybe you do as a leader. You know, I don't know. I guess I'm a, I'm asking you. Yeah. What advice do you have as someone that's, um, that does not have that self-love, self-compassion, and is really critical and hard on themselves? 

Shari Alyse: Well, it's interesting that, you know, you say, do you, you don't go and look at it or do you? And I don't think that there is a line between our personal and professional selves because we bring our personal selves into the workplace. And the best way to show up as a leader is to be most connected to yourself, is to be able to see your own strengths. 

And to be able to see your own beauty and to be able to see your own skills and to recognize and celebrate and acknowledge them. And when you can do that, then you can clearly see that in others you're also able to give others more grace and more understanding and compassion because you see that you are not perfect either. 

So, I do believe that it is looking at our stuff first. Um, we don't wanna talk about that in the workplace because it's, you know, the business, right? But as we've learned over the few years during the pandemic, that we are not machines and robots. We're humans with a full range of emotions, and the most successful workplaces are gonna be the ones where people feel heard and understood. And celebrated. And acknowledged. 

Tia Graham: So, yeah, I mean, I just made me think of just how powerful it would be for a leader to share their journey of moving from being really self-critical and hard on their self to a place of self-love and of self-compassion, and just by being vulnerable. And of course, I'm thinking of the beautiful Brené Brown, which I know you quoted in one of your TED Talks, I think right at the beginning of just being human in front of them with them, that then enables them to feel, have that psychological safety and, and yeah. 

Shari Alyse: Being human. Being human. Yes. Like people, giving people permission to be who they are. And the best way to be able to do that is to be fully yourself and fully expressed. This is many years ago when I was waiting tables, I remember my manager. She used to share parts of her lives with us and in that where other people would be like, you shouldn't share your personal life with your team. But what it all, all of us ended up doing is that we worked harder for her, we respected her more. We showed up. We didn't wanna call out sick all the time or like we were, you know, there was this level of connection between all of us. 

And I think that's the most powerful thing you can do as a leader is to be able to show up fully expressed as a human.  

Tia Graham: Yes. Yes, yes. Absolutely. I talk about that, uh, in my book and when I would le leading teams in the hotel industry, I always, you know, I was very positive and optimistic, right. But of course, I had bad days. 

I had challenges, and my team would know. I mean, they could tell, right? Like someone's not okay with Tia was, you know, and I'd be like, what's going on? And yeah, I think. There's this seismic shift happening in the workplace of being these robotics superhumans Drive results. Go, go, go, go, go to this new way, healthier space. 

Of course it's gonna take time to get there, but, but there is at least the, the ship is going. So yeah, I couldn't agree with you more. You're just speaking of a heart-centered leadership,  

Shari Alyse: Yeah, absolutely. And that starts with the connection to self. I, I had a startup, um, back in 2013, my old business partner and I, um, developed a wellness company and as the leaders of it, It was our intention to show up as fully expressed humans, which means some days were bad. 

Some days weren't as good as the others. And being honest and truthful about it. And the same thing that I shared that I learned from my manager and in the service industry, in this wellness space in our community. Again, our team showed up for us in bigger ways because we showed up for them in that way. 

Tia Graham: Yes. So for people listening who might be thinking, I would love more joy on my Mondays. I would love more joy Wednesday nights, you know, I have kids, I'm juggling work, I'm trying to take care of my body. I'm trying to get enough sleep. Um, my phone's, you know, it's always on. I might be taking care of my elderly, like just a very full, I like to use the word, the word rich. 

Rich calendar. And, um, you know, personally, when I think back to my twenties, I'm like, oh God, full of joy. Like I had so much, I was not married, I didn't have kids. I lived in a bunch of different places, traveled the ton, spent so much time with friends, you know, and now I have two little kids and life is different. 

Joy and, and how I, joy is different, but it's not like, I don't know, the big girls trip to Mexico, joy or whatever. So for people that are, let's just say in it doing a lot and, and doing amazing, I will say. Can you share some maybe tips, of things to think about and, and things to do on how to, how to increase that, that feeling of joy? 

Shari Alyse: Yes, absolutely. So the first thing I would say is make your joy a non-negotiable. That's number one. And what I mean by that is you need to prioritize yourself. If your child, say, if you have children came to you and said, oh, I just joined the soccer team. We have soccer practice on this day. You know, you would create that space to be able to get your child to soccer. 

You need to calendar yourself in in that same space. And it is possible. We just think we don't have time for us because we're now parents or we're leaders or whatever. And again, the best way to be the best parent or the best leader is to feed yourself the best way that you know how. So it's put yourself in that calendar, 30 minutes. 

30 minutes once a week, start with that, or five minutes each day at that end of the day, or the start of the day, the decompression or the filling up. I have been known. My fiancé found me the other day in my walk-in closet with the door closed, sitting on the floor, eyes closed, just taking deep breaths. 

Tia Graham: Oh my God, Shari. I have a meditation pillow in my walk-in closet and I meditate there a lot because people don't come in there. My daughter's in my husband,  

Shari Alyse: so yes. And so he actually came in there cause he didn't know. Cause it was one of. I do it sometimes when he is not around for some reason. But he was home and I did it because I, there was just, there's that, it just feels private. And he was like, what are you doing?  

Tia Graham: I love that that image is gonna stay at both you and I in our closet. The same. I know,  

Shari Alyse: but that was taking time for me because there was all the busy, everything felt busy out there. And so, You have to make yourself a priority. The other thing that I say is gratitude. 

People talk about gratitude all the time and like I don't have time for gratitude or like it's just journaling or this stuff is too much for me. It starts from the moment I open my eyes in the morning, and so all I do before I get outta bed is I place my hands on my heart. I feel my heartbeat. It takes a few seconds. 

It's going and I just say thank you. And I take a few deep breaths, all I can go on and on with all of these tips that we can do. But all of these micro moments of connection with self, build the joy muscle. So then one day, it doesn't have to be that girl's trip, only it gets to be ooh, I feel good, like my overall being feels good. 

And when we that rises and that increases, then we make more choices for ourselves. We're like, Ooh, I like the way this feels. I'm gonna do more of this, or I'm gonna do more of that and do that one thing for me every day. It's going out for a hike. That's a nice,  

Tia Graham: I love your hiking! Wait, where do you live again? 

Shari Alyse: In LA.  

Tia Graham: In LA, okay. Yeah. I wasn't sure exactly right. Yeah. No, you're hiking. Oh, gorgeous. 

Shari Alyse: That's it. No matter how tired I am, because I know I'm gonna feel better after you go.  

Tia Graham: People listening, whoever you're driving your car…you hike every day…  

Shari Alyse: every day. And I get up at four 30 in the morning. 

Um, I. Because I like to meet the sunrise. That for me is my connection moment, connecting with self, connecting with nature, connecting, connecting with something higher than myself. All of that are joy.  

Tia Graham: Okay. Shari, what time do you go to bed? You wake up at four 30. What time do you fall asleep? 

Shari Alyse: 10. 10 is when I sleep. Yeah, I'm sleeping by 10. 

Tia Graham: Okay. Because I talk a lot about sleep and happiness.  

Shari Alyse: Yeah, I could use more sleep. I'm not gonna lie. Like I could always use more sleep, but, so, which mean better sleep, not more like I function really well. But I, I don't have a full of asleep, so that, that's definitely an improvement. 

Tia Graham: That's okay. Well you can maybe start 9:45, you know, a little increments, but, right. Man. Oh man. For people, even if you could get up one, you're inspiring me. I, I see the sunrise a lot cuz my little kids wake me up so it's not like, oh here's the sun cuz we're all up, you know? But that intentionality and of course nature is such a huge source. 

Of joy for, for everyone. So even if it's just that 10 minute walk, maybe it's not a hike with the sunrise, like, like you. 

Shari Alyse: Or just step stepping outside your front door, taking a deep breath, just standing on your, on your porch and just breath. I always say breathing in life and breathing out expression, breathing in life and breathing out expression. 

And then I'll just say one last thing, this is so important because in especially for. Corporate people, leaders, full family, rich lives, as you said. I have an hourly alarm on my phone that goes off every hour on the hour and it just says connection. And because we can get wrapped up in the go, go go, go, go, go, go. 

And we forget and it's been hours. And so for me what that means is deep breath is feel my butt in the chair. It's to become present. Fully present. Yes. I love that. I have a morning toys only found in the full presence.  

Tia Graham: Yeah. I have a morning meditation practice that I do, but I absolutely can sprinkle in more throughout the day. 

And that hourly alarm, that's a great, really, really great tactic. And is there anything else maybe I'll ask you for number, for number five. In addition to what you've said and pausing to breathe and pausing to get centered and present. You know, many people are on Zoom meetings all day, or they're in, you know, zoom meetings and then in-person meetings and there's not a lot of white space. 

Um, and so is there anything else you would recommend with the goal of more joy, more connection to self, in addition to that breathing and presence that someone could do in maybe 10 minutes? 

Shari Alyse: Yeah. Be more creative. Mm-hmm. Creativity is a connection to joy and what, for me. And so that can be done at work. 

I mean, like, you could sit with a doodle pad and take, just think coloring, singing, even the, just like listening to music. Yeah. While you're working at your desk and you're like, put on some, a song that makes you feel good. For me, music opens my creativity cuz there's all this, like, I have the movie in my mind, like as you've talked, as I mentioned, like literally the, the pillow in the closet. 

I start to get visions of things. So music does that for me. It opens up, I see everything as a movie and tv. So there's, there's different ways to tap into our creativity. Um, it's allowing yourself to just have more fun. Uh, find purpose on the work you're doing. I know you asked for one, but I get inspired. 

Tia Graham: Yeah, no, no. The creativity is good. Even, yeah, just 10, I love that. I really love that. My, my little six-year-old loves to paint and I love painting with her. Cause I don't, I don't think I would be painting that much, but yeah. But she just having paper and, and then the colors and everything, so,  

Shari Alyse: And at night when I'm watching TV and like my fiancé goes to bed cuz we watch different shows, so he goes in the room and I stay out there. 

Um, Song will come on, or I'll think of something and I'll just get up and dance and it could be eight 30 at night. I'm by myself and I'll just like that movement there. There's just something create creative. Creativity comes to me at all different aspect times of the day and I allow myself that . 

Tia Graham: So the, all of the research shows that. The biggest influence, the biggest driver of human happiness is human connection. Spending time with people that you care about. Who care about you being connected and present when you're aware when you're with them. So can you speak about joy when you're with, I guess I'd just love to hear your thoughts on Joy with your friends, joy with your family members, or joy with your coworkers. That human connection piece.  

Shari Alyse: Yes, absolutely. That's, I call 'em my five sparks of joy and it, and it is, connection with others is one of them as well. And. Again, when we are fully present with ourselves, when we are fully connected to ourselves, we are not with other people only thinking about ourselves. We are able to hold space for other people. And so my most, my relationships are filled with joy because I actually can be present with them and listen and full eye contact and not trying to do something else or trying to get something or, you know, it's about celebrating and being present with other people. So there is, and when we, when we give that to others, they also create that same space for us too. 

And then we are able to feel heard as well and seen. And it's just this beautiful, it's this beautiful sharing of being human and alive and, yeah.  

Tia Graham: Yeah. The listening piece is, is. And I think, I mean, it's so important of course, and many people, including myself, it's an ongoing process of just getting better and better. 

There was an amazing talk at the World Happiness Summit, all about listening, and it just moved me of like, wow. I can get a lot better at this. And I've heard many talks on listening. Right. And it's, is this a reminder? 

Shari Alyse: okay. I was just gonna say, I think one of the challenges a against lys that while we have trouble listening is because we're not listening to ourselves first. 

Because when we do that, then we feel satisfied within, and then I can have a conversation with you and not think about all the things that I need to do and all of that stuff. Because I've already, I've already set up that space where I give myself, Plenty of my own time and my own presence, that I'm then able to share that extra with you. 

Tia Graham: Right. Listening to self, whether that's in a quiet meditation, whether that's journaling, whether it's when you're, when you're outside, et cetera. I love that.  

What are your thoughts on our cell phones and joy? Because a lot of people, or you know, that is a, this is like, oh no… 

Shari Alyse: I, yeah, I'm with it too. 

Tia Graham: And it's wonderful. And maybe if you could share because I think technology, of course is helping us and it's also challenging us for our joy, for our happiness, for our mental wellbeing.  

Shari Alyse: So, It's definitely like they say, comparison is a thief of joy. Our phones can be as well. Technology is, and I'm guilty of it too. 

I will always share the truth, like I'm on it way too much. And then I say, well, it's because it's, my business is online and everything. Um, so I do make concerted efforts, like I do not, and I'm so proud of myself for this now. I do not pick up my phone first thing in the morning and check emails. Or anything like that. 

I used to, and I could feel myself like after my gratitude, like then get my phone and be brought right back down. And so I give myself that morning space. To meditate, to give gratitude, to take my walk. And the first time that I pick my phone up is actually during my walk, cuz I love to make my videos. 

Um, that's my create creative time as well and that fills me, that's part of my joy if I do not create content, I know this might sound strange, but if I do not create content, some kind of video that uplifts somebody, I feel like, oh, I, like, I don't feel uplifted. 

It, it helps me. So yeah. So. But our phones, because we've become so connected to those that we forget to experience life and the people around us and everything, like my fiancé and I always talk about how we wish sometimes smartphones weren't around.  

Tia Graham: Oh, my husband and I talk about that. Yeah. Yeah. And you know what you made me think about? 

There's a so much conversation around, put your phones down so that you can connect with others. For those listening, I'm like moving my hands, like look at people, connect with others, but your message and what you speak, what you speak about, and what you write about is, is first and foremost, put your phone down so that you're connecting with yourself. 

Because if you're in your phone, you are not doing that deep connection. You are not, you know, which is where we started. And, um, I don't think that's talked about enough. It's, it's usually about, you know, don't have just social, you know, social media, like have real social connections, but, the more we're on our phone, we're not with ourselves. 

So that's just another massive reason. To be conscious. To be intentional and to, and to have, have more joy without it. 

Shari Alyse: Yeah. And I, I begin and end my days without my phone because I wanna begin and end my days with self, with gratitude at the beginning and the end of the day. And really, really taking in what I've experienced and the awareness around it and, and ways that I've gotten. 

And so without the phone, um, it allows you to do that and it's, it'll be challenging for some because we're so used to the constant stuff coming at us. And, and then, then also what I talked about before about the fear of being with self. Like that's why a lot of people had trouble during the pandemic because everything slowed down and it was like, oh my God, I'm left with my thoughts. 

I'm left with all these things to contemplate and to work through. Yeah, so it's definitely a process, but self-compassion and kindness as you move through any of this to create a better life for yourself will be the foundation to getting through that.  

Tia Graham: Yes. Yes. Oh, Shari. So good. So where can people get your book, watch your TED Talks, find more about you? 

Where can people go? 

Shari Alyse: My website, sharialyse.com has links to everything. But, I'm super social. I'm super social on Instagram and TikTok. I love to make my video content there, so that's a great way to connect.  

Tia Graham: Awesome, awesome. Well, thank you for coming on. I certainly feel more joy after this conversation and I look forward to connecting with you more. 

Shari Alyse: Yes, thank you so much for having me. 

 
podcastsTia Graham